It’s been a long freakin’ day and I can’t go to bed with these thoughts. I hope that writing it down will help me make sense of things and give me a sense of release. Others might call it venting.
To start my day, I realized that my dear friend has been blowing me off for who knows what. When I tried to clarify she told me to call her to discuss. With less than two hours away to work that was a reactive NO. Why would I want to call and hear what I did to disappoint her? Don’t get me wrong, I love my friend, but I wasn’t in the mood for criticism. I honestly did nothing wrong that would justify her being pissed.
Then I arrive to work with my game face and ready to act happy in a pretty toxic environment. Busy at work, I get pulled aside on the sales floor by my manager, Vicky, who has been off for almost a week. Vicky immediately digs into me about calling out for a third night of inventory. Yes, this new career of mine thought it was acceptable to make me pull an all nighter to count their losses.
After the second night, under Vicky’s supervision, I realized that no amount of money could make me return to that. From what I’ve been told, it was the worst inventory in recorded history. I quickly defended my action by failing to excuse the inefficiency and lack of direction offered by management. To make matters worse, two others from my department quit on that night. By association I was also to blame. It was ridiculous. With every strength I refrained from telling Vicky, in a not so diplomatic way, to go fuck herself.
I went outside had a smoke and a cry. I was prepared to return to tender my resignation. No sooner than I can say HR Vicky pulls me aside, now in a comfortable, private environment, to discuss my future and offer me what she referred to as a greater opportunity. WTF? Sybil, I mean Vicky, had shifted gears so quickly that I was caught off guard. Tomorrow I am suppose to tell her of my interest, or lack thereof. I’m just holding on enough to get my free designer jeans.
Then, a cute cub that I hung out with before strolls in. He was there filling out paperwork. He made an effort to come upstairs to tell me about his new place and job. Somehow in the process he managed to give me a hug, which I found very confusing. This is an adorable boy who turned down my booty call because his life was too complicated. Yes, he asked for a rain check, but I thought he was being polite. Still, if he thought my booty call was complicated then he probably hasn’t had a good one. I give points for experience. He lost his.
I’m almost done with my shift when ring ring my ex is buzzing. Over the last month he has brought his naturalization to my attention. This stupid man thought I would support his independent petition (after I withdrew the joint). After his pestering and incessant need to ask my help I finally opened my eyes to see that it was never friendship he had offered since our break. He wanted me in his back pocket so I offer benefit to him. He crossed the line when he asked me to borrow our photo album to show at his next interview. I told myself it was the last time I was going to feel used by him. So, after less than two weeks, he has no shame to ask me for help. As minor as it was, I had a point to make. I am no longer accepting his deposits or withdrawls.
Instead of offering detailed information and a kind response, I was curt and honestly not interested in whatever he had to say. I felt shitty enough. No need to take another roll in it. Then, once again, the world has to mess with me once more. He invites me out for drinks and says he’s down the street. He lives over the hill and only makes appearances in the valley for haircuts. I was not naïve enough to think it was a coincidence he needed something from me. I know this man. He too was trying to make a point. Too bad I stopped listening.
After a simple and quick NO he apologized and went after my apathy. Instead of biting I said, “No worries, I’m just not interested. Have a great night.” He and I speak a secret code and he knew that meant I was no longer open for business.
Besides, I had just put a pizza in the oven and smoked a bowl. My day was finally turning around and in no reality would hanging out with him keep it that way. As much as I need a lay, he wasn’t worth it. A sense of pride and strength was felt, and that quickly the thought of him was gone.
Yes, life has a way of balancing itself out. My concern is that it took me being an angry bitch for it to get that way. I spent a month in Santa Cruz trying to get rid of the “edge” I’m so often accused of. Through out the Fall it was gone. But as Winter freezes my ass, so does my heart. I had this stupid metaphor of an egg hardening on the inside after being thrown into boiling water. I’m still gooey on the inside.
I’m struggling more and more with my loathing of Los Angeles. I keep daydreaming that by next year I will be somewhere that offers greener fields and less blue skies. I’m reaching my max… I have a track record of turning my life upside down every three years. It’s like clockwork. Let me review:
At: 21 I moved to San Diego, 24 New Jersey, 27 Sacramento, 30 Newport Beach, 33 Sedona, 36 Europe, 39 ? I have a year to figure it out. Now you can extrapolate why, despite my abundant qualifications, my résumé isn’t a crowd pleaser. This pattern was a major reason I opted for marriage. I needed to break the cycle.
To add further insult to injury I found myself relating to Ben of Parks and Recreation. After these months of occupying my time 
and indulging in my hobbies have I fallen into a veil if depression. You may think that is a stupid question, but I know depression. When I am depressed I isolate and begin to think of things as a drag. OMG, now that I say that it might be time to give Bev a call. Am I so caught up in my retail nightmare, or my string of failed lovers, that I was to dumb to see the obvious? Did you know? When could you tell?
I’m really screwed!
