When I look out, all I see are people I used to know and what I don’t want. Although I miss things from my past, I will never return there. I believe that my future is brighter. The past is dark. When I am dead and gone, I will look back to a good life.
At this point, I work hard to be good. In my case, it takes hard work. Throughout my younger years I was serious. I was either planning or evaluating. There was always a scale in my head. Life was full of options and it was important which ones I picked. Nowadays, there are aspects in which I stopped caring.
The first to go was my ability to form strong bonds with people. I was too busy trying to detach and point out our differences. It comes from a lifetime of neglect and betrayal. Knowing this does not make it better or easier. Nor have I found a way to work it out.
What, then, could I expect for my future? I’ve been thinking constantly about travel and adventure. It has been almost four months without any trips. I’m dreaming about adventure constantly.
Another problem looms. For some reason I keep telling myself that I must stay put and figure a life here, in LA. I have a definite advantage here. Does that mean I doubt my ability to succeed elsewhere? I never worry about my ability figure out a plan. It’s my choice direction that makes me anxious and apprehensive. I don’t trust my judgment. That’s sad. I’m still clouded by the grief of my divorce.
No matter what I decide it will not be a disaster. Those days are behind me. I’m wiser and stronger. My attitude is better than a lot out there. LA is a magnet for self loathing and competitiveness. I get sucked in quite often. The only difference is I am aware of it. I still have not mastered the ability to rise above it. It’s as strong as the smog.
Let me reassure you that I had a Merry Christmas. It was great to get together with family, toast to our blessings, and feast on thousands of calories.
Here is my top five list of my favorite gifts:
1. Somebody I Used to Know by Gotye (feat. Kimbra)
2. American Horror Story marathon
3. Hudson skinny jeans
4. My new poi dance instructor, a 26 year old cub, and the best workout I had all year.
5. Butter
I’m beginning to see a trend.
