Old patterns seem to creep back up. Last night, after working three days straight during the craziest retail days of the year, my ex called. I’d been avoiding him since our last encounter. In my exhaustion, and his persistence, I took his call. Of course he wanted to come over. Once again, cutting off my cubs, I too needed a release and agreed to meet.
It was almost midnight when he arrived. I had only been home for an hour after returning from a long day of work. I was half asleep, but still had energy to accommodate our needs. I had my first orgasm in months. I’m not sure if my recent lack of action had anything to do with it. Perhaps, it was my new attitude toward him that allowed me to really hear what he said, and respond in that moment. I’m definitely voicing my opinions to him and not allowing him to put me down and get away with it.
Even though it will not change anything between us, I get a sense of satisfaction that I communicate my point of view without losing my temper or expecting him to see things from my perspective. It was validating enough that I remain calm when we disagree, which never fails to happen.
There is still a weird tension we have when together. My ex will never pay me a compliment or act as if he is happy to be with me. I have to imagine that at some level he likes being with me. Or am I just saying that so I don’t feel used?
We got to talking about the subject. I asked why it was so hard for him to be open with me. He closes himself off and avoids any emotion. I think it’s odd and unhealthy for our relationship. He only said he didn’t want to lead me on or confuse me. I explained that I had no fantasy of us getting back together. I truly feel us being apart is for the best, for both of us. Yet, I don’t deny that I still care for him.
I gathered that he took that as I wanted him back. I held my tongue and didn’t try to convince him he was wrong. Neither of us had any intention of getting back together, so why hurt his feelings and tell him that I consider him undesirable as a partner? If he needed to tell himself that for whatever reason, I wasn’t going to burst his bubble.
When I fish for some level of admission of value he would deny the entire subject. During our marriage, and in prior months, I let that affect my self-esteem. Now, after finally coming to a place of peace, I see that it is his own fears and issues that make him discount my meaning.
His rebuttal was that he didn’t need me to boost his confidence, so in return it was not his role to boost mine. I pointed out that it made me feel good to make him feel good. I wasn’t doing it because I had to. I did it because I wanted to. The same goes for all the goodness I give off. I try to lead with pure intentions of kindness.
Once again, he did not want me to get the wrong impression. I had to remind him that it was short-sighted. If he admitted that he wanted to see me, or enjoyed my company, it would not lead me to believe that WE had a chance. I would merely know that at that moment, I too, was able to give him some happiness. In return that would give me joy. Is that wrong of me to want that?
I went further to explain that if it was merely sex I wanted, I had other options that were far less complicated. I allowed him to come and ravage me from time to time because I enjoy him on a limited basis. There is no shame in that. Since he looks at it from his perspective, I must vie for his attention because I’m lonely and desperate. In fact, little does he know that my life is far more fulfilling without him, than with him. He fulfills a physical need, which in turn, because I am a proven sensitive woman, leads to an emotional reaction. It’s quite normal. I think.
Before he left this morning, I asked him to make an agreement with me. He is welcomed to call me for whatever reason, and even proposition me, as long as he could admit that it was more than being lonely or horny. I have to know that I fulfill a deeper meaning. I also asserted that our relationship is in the moment. There are no expectation or preconceived goals other than we have some fun together. Why is it so hard for him to think that way? Am I way off to think that is possible?
After months of rigorous therapy, and working out my self-esteem issues on cougarlife, I feel I am in a safe place. Our last conversation before he left was about a favor he had asked of me. He was worried I would complain of the time I would give to him. I had to emphasize that I am a different person, and my hopes is that one day he will have a new image of me based on my current actions. We both had faults in our relationship. I was frustrated with him and his lack of commitment to our marriage, which caused us a lot of grief in our years together.
The last thing I said to him, which I hope hit home was, “I used to do anything I could to please you, even at my expense. It did lead to resentment. Now, I frankly don’t give a shit what you think.” It wasn’t completely true. I said it to make a point. My actions are now based on my wishes and I do not do things I know will make me unhappy. I don’t need to engage in unhealthy or false relationships. 
In the end, all I know is that he does not encroach my life. He is in my life only when it is convenient for the both of us. When he leaves, so does feelings he gives me. Good or bad, I see him for who he is. There is no yearning for him. There is no unrealistic image of him. Some may think we are teetering on a slippery slope. That may have been true of me months ago.
After all this rambling and defending my position, I’m still unclear what it is. I admit these truths. I will always care for him. I will always wish him well. I will look on our relationship in sadness. My future choices of partners will have to have more than passion and will. Although he won’t admit it, I give him pleasure.
What do you think?
