Defeat is a Stage

I realized that defeat is not an event; it is a stage. When things started going wrong, I began kicking and screaming to make something happen. I’m going out fighting. After months, I’m exhausted and still unclear. It doesn’t make me sad or depressed. I’m done with that. I stop and try to look around, yet it is still fleeting. What is it that I am looking for?

First, my computer is acting stupid. It keeps pausing and crashing. Instead of accepting it, I sit here and blame something, like the modem or a virus. Everyday I wake up with the intention for doing good and being positive. As you’ve noticed it doesn’t always work. When doubt lurks in I simply fulfill it’s purpose. These days there has been a lot of that.

Since the theft of my phone I started over. It made me let go of unhealthy relationships. Was having someone there better than no one? As much as I like being alone, I know it’s not good to lack companionship. My dog doesn’t count. I don’t even want to go back to Bev because I’m not in the mood for a lecture.

Why are other people so successful as developing relationships and I can’t seem to grasp it? Is it because I try too hard? The problem is, I try to hard at everything. Some say that as my need to be accepted. I just like to demonstrate my strengths. As my friend says, “I’m a go getter.”

Yesterday was a complete bust at the fair. The only upside is I met some interesting people and ran into an old friend. I suppose that was worth the trip. People couldn’t help but look at my display. Many more stopped. For some reason not many entered. People quickly ran off when approached as if I caught them stealing. It was strange. I mind my business and then they are gone.

The businesses next to me were busy. Lewis, my neighbor, made tags. Half his clientele purchased out of need, like medical bracelets or ID tags. Then there were those that wanted it for fashion purchasing military tags. He must have made about 30 tags at least. They ran about $10. My necklaces start at $15, not much of a difference. Two booths down were a young couple who sold Himalaya Bath Salts. The main item were the salt lamps. Those were a big hit. In one sale she made almost $200 on three lamps. WTF? Lamps are cool and my necklaces aren’t?

I don’t get it. The biggest hit of my booth was my tree displays. I had about 15 women ask about them. They wowed at them. I bought them in downtown. The decorations alone ranged between $5-12. Add in the cost of the tree, transportation, fees, etc. and I gave them a fair price. I wasn’t greedy at all. I would have been happy if I broke even on the deal. I feel like those investors who were stuck with multiple properties at the time of the crash. Now, what do I do with it?

Lewis told me many stories throughout the day. He’s taken some great gains and heavy losses. It’s unpredictable. Everyone agrees that the last few years have been hard. We all know that recovery is slow. The holidays always boost a spike in retail sales. I want in on it! I have to catch the wave before it’s gone.

After a bad day yesterday I couldn’t do it again in cold damp weather. My merchandise is too fragile. No way would I expose them to rain. High winds have taken a few of my floral displays. I bought this amber crystal vase from the thrift shop for $1. I must have fallen four times yesterday without breaking. I was grateful. There are always damages during transport. It’s not bad, but I often have to patch things up afterwards. The whole process of loading and unloading is laborious. I have so many bruises. My muscles ache. I’m proud because I did it alone.

I still have to unload the van and return it today. Getting a bit anxious I want to walk away from the computer and not complete this blog. I want a smoke now. I won’t fight it.