I Will Follow You Into the Dark

Over the past few days, I have contemplated whether I want to continue writing on this blog. Things have not turned out the way I planned. There is a level of dedication and openness I must have to move forward. I thought I had it, even if I was doing it alone. My friends (that were originally going to join me) are dealing with their own issues, which seems to keep them unavailable to contribute.

As you’ve read, in the last couple of days I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. Where is it all coming from? What am I facing? Where am I letting it take me?

First, I’m in a new area. This is a repeated pattern for me. Every couple of years or so, I pick my broken pieces and begin a new life. I look at it like a new beginning. It’s not. I carry with me all the baggage from my past. There is a lot of denial and unrealistic expectations. It never works. It just creates more instability.

Second, I’ve left my friends and family behind. I miss my dog. I miss my bed. The only thing that is constant, are the bugs that keep biting me. Everyday I have new marks on my body. I think there is something living in the carpets. It’s beginning to freak me out. I’m a clean person and living with so many people, and adapting to their cleaning habits is a bit unsettling. I’m trying to be zen, but the constant irritation on my skin is a reminder that things are not okay.

Third, I am doubting myself. It sucks when you doubt yourself and you have no one to give you a hug. I don’t know why everyone thinks I am so disconnected that I wouldn’t have access to standard communication methods. Quite honestly, perhaps this is distorted, but I think that is just an excuse. I know my honesty and pain scares people. Trust me, I’ve lived with it long enough to know of it’s consequences. Friends have always come and gone. It’s a reality I deal with everyday.

Lastly, as I suspected, my writing has received unwanted scrutiny. I wish I could live without the support and approval of others. But, I need it. I think we all want to be accepted for our true selves, right? I honestly don’t think my life or stories are that shameful that I should keep in silence. If you think about the books and blogs that are out there, I can name a few that have parallels to my story. I’m no different.

The only difference between you and me is, I created a forum to express my thoughts, where you might not feel that comfortable in the same situation. Yes, I know why choices and lifestyle may differ. But so was our upbringing. Maybe you had a father that beat you. Maybe you had siblings that ignored you. Maybe you never felt any sense of community, whether it be in school, or church, or with your family. That is just a glimpse of who I was, and what I am trying to change. No one has any idea who I truly am, or what I am striving for. I pray diligently to figure it out because I am tired of wandering aimlessly.

What really irked me is that my sister, who has plenty of issues of her own, had the nerve to call my other sister pretending to be concerned for my welfare after reading my blog. Does she think her silence and gossiping is helping me? I haven’t had a heartfelt conversation with this woman, who shares my blood, in almost two decades. Her silence is a testament of her disapproval.

What is it that comes back to me? She is concerned of how many family members may be reading this. She fails to recall that she is not a part of this family, by choice. Just because she writes on people’s wall doesn’t make her a friend or relative . That’s the main reason I got off Facebook, the falseness of it. Also, she is the last person who should throw stones at glass houses. I live in the truth. Where do you live, my sister?

I acknowledge that my rant is further displaying my instability. Who cares? It seems people are so quick to make up their mind about me. Who am I trying to impress? Like I said, at least I have the balls to face my issues and deal with them. So many people hide behind their material, or drugs, or deities to make them feel they are good people. We all have issues. I’m doing something about it.

Yes, I sent out a link to a select group of people who I a.) thought they knew me enough to handle my truth or b.) didn’t care what they thought and thought they might enjoy it. I overestimated the support of my friends and acquaintances. My sister pleaded with me to stop, which only fueled me further. If I stopped today, what would be my reason? To make everyone else around me feel comfortable? I accept they don’t know me, and they probably want to keep it that way.

Should I dig a hole and drop in? Yes, I’m being sinister, a point needs to be made. My world is spinning out of control. I don’t need anyone throwing stones at me. Ignore me, if you don’t like me. I’m not forcing anyone to read my blogs or agree with my lifestyle.

Everyone is so blind to the fact of why I am here. It’s not just because my husband and I split up. I’ve had plenty of failed relationships, that is not the core. The reality is all these core values I learned at an early age have failed me. This is why my Buddhist training is important to me. I need to stop caring or wanting. I want to live in compassion, and help others find it.

I have very few people in my life that I call family. Those that are not, have done so in a hurtful way. It sucks that my father made up stories about me to get everyone against me. Yet, I did nothing but be myself. I won’t even get into my middle sister. 85% of my life she has been a bitch to me. Why would I give that 15% any value. I have a half-sister, who I had the pleasure of meeting. Within a short period, she basically told me she didn’t want me in her life. It had nothing to do with me, but hurt just the same. I don’t blame her. If I had a choice whether to be in this family, I might choose otherwise. I am extremely grateful for my mom and oldest sister. They are my pillars.

This is why having a family of my own is so important. I want unconditional love. I need to give all this love away that has been trapped inside me for so long. I’m afraid it will spoil if I don’t find an outlet.

I’ve been betrayed by almost every close person to me. I’m not talking a little backstabbing. I’m talking major things like taking my identity, car, and money. Yes, I have trust issues, but I didn’t make them up in my head. I’ve had to develop so many defenses to protect myself. No wonder I am the way I am. Yet, I’m constantly judged by those who have no right.

I’m on this journey to heal, but old wounds are resurfacing, deeper and clearer than before. Being alone here is really tough. But, I will get stronger, and come out of this better, because I will not give up. Judge me all you want. I can’t stop you. I will follow you  into the dark.